things that i never thought id enjoy as much as i do

god some things in life are so amazing.

even if it only lasts a moment, that feeling lasts. knowing that you have the potential/opportunity to feel that way again. soon or later in life.

all i know is im thankful.
for all the little things.
many im too silly to admit, many that dont need to be admitted.
i think that people are afraid to let loose. to be free.
to give people a real chance.

now sometimes you will get burned, and sometimes you will find love.
and not even necesarily love in a sensual way, but in a way where you get that feeling that you cant even start to explain.
that spreads a smile across your face, and not being able to make it stop for a few minutes.
and people see it when you are happy, in love, pondering about what else you dream to dare to do......

anyways ive had some moments lately that make me so happy, and im just thankful and dont want to forget that happiness, so i wanted to write it down.
thats about it.

thankful for what i have.

when the sun shines upon my face

how i love to see my life: with the sun shining in, just brushing against my face, the cold wind blowing my hair, it was picture perfect today. the perfect little get-away.

not to far, but just far enough to feel free.

i find that 100% of the time, the one thing that can help me to feel better is taking pictures.
its amazing really what it does for me.
puts me in that zone. where i could care less what you or anyone else has to say about me, what I'm doing, how i look. nothing. my head is free from these petty thoughts that seem to run through myself endlessly.
but i get to a country road, a beautiful soul-enchanted house that someone else once lived in and loved in. its amazing the way i can think when i let myself go.
how i can enjoy any small item, even if it is really just a bucket of old nuts and bolts, or an old scooter, a beautiful worn out rained on vintage couch...anything.
its beauty. all around me. i feel surrounded when i can let go of the petty bullshit.
when i can stop thinking about this next dreaded semester.
when i can finish growing up and get away from this life Ive lived and dragged on since i graduated in 2005.


i think about life far away, or even not so far away- and its seems wonderful, then i let fear get back into my soul. i let myself doubt again. let all these bad thoughts rush into my head...
what if i don't make it? what if i get up there...wherever i end up and cant do it? am lost? it makes me not want to ever leave, and that's scarier than failing. i don't want to live a mediocre Albany life, but all i know is here.


my home, my schools, my friends, family, music, harvest moon, my room, my mom, the yard sales, all the back roads that i take ever day to get around, everything i know. everything. will change. not one thing in my life will be exactly like i know it now.
and that honestly scares me so bad that i could consider never vacating this town.
without these things, that have made me who i am today...who am i? Lynsey in a different town...just doesn't seem right.


why have i done this? i was in no hurry to grow up, but now i feel so dependent on my parents, like without them, what can i do?
I'm broke. i live at home. my mom pays majority of my bills. jobless. but a life full of substance.
i feel Ive grown , but when i look at those facts .... i cant honestly say i support myself at all.
its strange how shattering that is, but its always been like this. Ive always been a child, never grown enough to be considered an adult. never out on my own. always been that baby child, who loves unconditionally and clings to my mom in bad times. shes always been there for me. always. since the day i was born, she is the one thing that has never left or forsaken me. she is my one stable in life. she is love.


on the other hand-
my brother likes to run this thought through my mind all the time, he says I'm a spoiled brat...and that everyone thinks that, knows that, etc.....
i don't really believe that, not even 70% of me believes that but that 30% that feels like what he is saying could be even slightly legit....kills me. i don't want to be that. and the fact that i even let in sink in makes me think its true, that i have become a spoiled "brat"
---now i don't think I'm a brat, at all really.
but spoiled yes, and i don't like that about myself--i guess I'm coming to grips with that right now...
i think a lot of us ARE spoiled though, our generation has been spoiled, and had an easier road then previous generations, we heard the sad sob stories from out grandparents, and even parents about "walking to school uphill in the snow" etc....and even if that is a made up tale, we don't have those stories, we've been brought up in totally different times.


anyways- i got sidetracked. but needed to think about that all.
onto my point of this blog.
pictures.
my journey today started on old Pretoria road.
Evan wanted a picture of this sign he loves and wants to take, but hasn't yet taken.

so i took some for him, and myself.